I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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