I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
