You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
