My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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