I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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