I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
