I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
