So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
