see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
