The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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