you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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