he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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