Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
