i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
