Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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