I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
