my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
