I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
