my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
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Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
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Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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