We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
