Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
