I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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