I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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