I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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