It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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