I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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