you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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