at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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