i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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