just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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