I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
