I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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