The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
