$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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