Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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