After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
