he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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