Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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