I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
