During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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