I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
