just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
