I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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