Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
