Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
