remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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