Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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