I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
