I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
