Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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