i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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