he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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