can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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