when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
