I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick