go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
