You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
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she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS